Last night as I was going to bed, the wind was whistling from the farm behind our house, and the breeze floating into my bedroom was absolutely lovely. There is something about that smell of Spring that brings back memories of my childhood, the anticipation of bike riding weather, of getting outside, and “tubing” on the 18 Mile Creek. It’s the fragrance of hope to me. We begin again. Another growing cycle. A time to reset.
Having been back in my Luminous groove now for several weeks, I’m feeling a pretty big reset too. It feels like a trusted and loving friend has come back into town. I feel in control again. Clothes are getting looser, and I’m starting to see the changes in my face.
I am not yet back to where I was when I veered off this here road. I try not to think too much about that. I am where I am. I begin again.
If you’ve had a setback and are staring up at a mother of a mountain, I get how that feels. I was rolling in all of the shame and embarrassment readily available at the bottom. I was dodging mirrors and photos. I said F*** it. I’m hurting, I’m working on a tough project, I need some relief.
What brought me back was narrowing my focus. It was so upsetting to look out into the distance and see my goal weight further away. But at a certain point, catching myself in a photo, or taking the time to actually look in the mirror, it just hit me. Maybe some are OK exactly where they are with body and weight. I’m not. I’m trying to work on that, just accepting where I am, but the reality is, I felt like crap. And ultimately, I was kidding myself that I was giving myself any sort of break. Luminous actually helps me to feel LESS stressed. Body in mirror aside, my brain functions better. This just works better for me – mind, body and spirit.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, 2 out of 3 meals a day were already automatic. When I realized it was really a very small window I had to address, I could feel myself relax a bit. Dinner was what needed a course correct.
I looked at what needed addressing, where the lines needed to tighten at dinner:
Giving up the wine completely (hard)
Weighing and measuring consistently (easy)
Nothing after dinner (challenging).
When I got real with myself, dinner had previously been a free-for-all. I was still eating whole foods, but way too much, not weighing, and not getting real about the fact that, while I’m in the weight loss phase, wine just isn’t going to work. A whole lot of mental energy was going into bargaining, versus just laying down the ground rule, and sticking to it. I was reminded once again that where the struggle occurs is when there aren’t very specific lines, taking the load off willpower, and just following the rules – emotions don’t put food in my mouth. Actions do.
Just like before, within a few days I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. I’m 14 pounds closer to my goal than I was weeks ago. I don’t feel the same judgment or upset about it.
Recently, I watched the incredible Brene Brown on Netflix. She reminded me of this quote from Teddy Roosevelt (and please forgive Teddy, as I’m sure if he said this now, he’d include all genders)…
I avoided getting back in the arena for awhile. I stumbled. I made excuses. I didn’t keep my word.
My actions are back in alignment with my goal.And when that happens, the judgment and shame lose their power. This moment is the only moment I have control over. Who I want to be in the world is one who keeps my word. To be in alignment with my goal by my actions.
It just seems like a whole lot more fun to be in the arena, even with the stumbles, or the tough moments- to be crystal clear about my intention, to stay focused on the next step, and the next….and the next.